3 Questions to Ask Before Having Sex in Recovery
Sex and recovery, two words that often feel taboo to mention in the same sentence. Depending on the crowd, you could either be committing the ultimate sin or simply meeting your needs and finding connection. So which is it? That answer, my friends, is not so black and white (haven't we been talking about that all or nothing thinking!). Let's explore what sex in your recovery program could mean to you and some serious questions you are going to want to ask yourself before making any big leaps in the sheets.
Are you in treatment? If the answer is yes, then let me save you some time. The answer to sex is no. Here's why. Firstly, you are not there to find a boyfriend or girlfriend. That is not the point of treatment. When we get involved in a new romance we turn most of our attention outwards at the object of our desires and are left with less time and energy for necessary personal contemplation and recovery. The intense therapeutic days of rehab are no time to be thinking of anyone but yourself. Secondly, having a rehab romance can prevent you from getting honest in group therapy because you want to present yourself in a favorable light to the object of your desire. To get any benefit from sessions, it is absolutely imperative that you be completely honest. Thirdly, treatment centers are also highly aware that when people are getting off drugs, their sex drive comes back with a vengeance (depending on your drug of choice). No one in rehab is capable of healthy attachment or healthy sexual relationships, and getting into one before you’re ready can slow your progress and possibly contribute to a relapse. .And finally, and most importantly, cross addictions are extremely common in early sobriety, and when an individual can’t refrain from having sex or beginning a romantic relationship for the 30-plus days required in drug rehab, it can be a sign of an underlying love, codependency, or sex addiction.
Do you understand the difference between impulsive sex and intimate sex? If no, then back away from that condom aisle slowly. Impulsive sex can reck havoc on a healthy recovery lifestyle. The desire to be impulsive and gain instant gratification is high in early recovery. The loss of your best friend, your drug of choice, can leave a large gap that you feel a strong desire to fill with anything possible. Sex is often turned to to fill a void and further avoid feeling suppressed emotions that start to rise without the use of your long term coping skill of using drugs and alcohol. It’s a distraction. Impulsive sex doesn’t leave you time to consider your needs and intentions. Ask yourself, does impulsive sex feel linked to my use? What kind of experiences have I had with impulsive sex? What makes sex feel intimate to me? Do you know what you value and need in a sexual relationship? So what about that first year in recovery when everyone in the rooms will tell you to refrain? I’m not going to say a definitive yes or no on this one, but I do want you to ask yourself some questions or even take it a step further and journal your thoughts before you decide what is best for you. Because isn’t that a huge part of recovery, learning to listen to our gut instincts and trust ourselves again? It's about finding out who we are, what we need, want, and desire. So check in with yourself and ask, why do I value sex? Do I associate sex with feeling connected? What does a healthy, intimate sexual relationship look like to me? How do I hope to feel after having sex with this person? Do I have the ability to cope and manage my own emotions if I feel rejected or hurt from my sexual partner without relapsing? What do I want to bring to a relationship and what do I want my partner to bring….am I there yet or do I still need time to heal to be that person?
At the end of the day, we have to destigmatize sex in recovery. Not talking about it doesn’t mean it just magically goes away. Dismissing your sponsee, friends, partners, or mentees needs all together can lead to shame, confusion, and bullying in the recovery community. Emotional honesty is the key. Become emotionally aware of unhealthy sexual behaviors and relationship patterns that mask a deeper pain. Become emotionally aware of feelings of safety, security, and intimacy that accompany healthy sex. And if you feel lost and unable to answer these questions about yourself, know how incredibly common that is as you walk your path of recovery and find healing. Reach out today if you want more help navigating sex in recovery.
